What If the Thing You've Been Apologizing For Is Actually Your Greatest Leadership Strength?
By Tami Holladay | Holladay Coaching | Leadership & Business Coaching
Have you ever been told you're too much? Too direct, too sensitive, too intense? Most leaders have a version of this story. Here's what I know now that I wish I'd known sooner.
The moment I started shrinking
I believe every person has the capacity to lead. That belief is actually part of what drew me to this work. But the way leadership shows up looks different for everyone, and for me it has always shown up loud and sometimes without being asked.
I am an Enneagram Type 8. I am wired to step up when a room needs someone to move things forward, to speak up when something is not right, and to advocate for myself and others without a lot of hesitation. For years, that wiring got me into trouble. And for a long time, I thought something was wrong with me.
I was told I was intimidating. Condescending. Too much. I heard more times than I can count that women should not lead in certain roles, that I needed to dial it back, that I was coming on too strong. And slowly, without really meaning to, I started to believe them.
What shrinking actually costs you
I got quieter in rooms where I used to speak freely. I second-guessed myself in moments where I used to feel sure. I spent so much energy trying to be less of who I was so that other people would be more comfortable around me.
What I needed, and did not have at the time, was someone to look at me and say: that strength is not your problem. The way you are using it might need some work, but the strength itself is a gift. Let's figure out how to use it well. Nobody said that to me for a long time. So I kept apologizing for who I was instead.
You probably have a version of this story too
Most leaders I talk to have some version of it. There is something about them that people have pushed back on over the years. Maybe they were told they are too sensitive, too direct, too detail-oriented, too big-picture, too quiet, too intense. And somewhere along the way they started treating that thing like a flaw to manage instead of a strength to develop.
Sound familiar? Common examples include being told you are:
Too direct or too blunt
Too sensitive or too emotional
Too intense or too serious
Too detail-oriented or too big-picture
Too quiet or too loud
Reframing your "too much" as a leadership asset
Here is what I know now that I wish I had known earlier. The things that make you feel like too much in the wrong rooms are often exactly what make you the right person to lead in the right rooms.
1 - The sensitivity that exhausts some people, makes you a leader who actually listens.
2 - The directness that made people uncomfortable, makes you someone your team can trust to tell them the truth.
3 - The intensity that felt like a problem, makes you someone who gets things done.
The goal was never to get rid of those things. The goal was always to understand them well enough to use them with intention.
What changes when you stop managing yourself down
When leaders do this work, when they stop managing themselves down and start leading from who they really are, the shift is visible in everything around them. They show up with more confidence and less second-guessing. The people they lead feel the difference, because a grounded leader creates a completely different environment than one who is constantly at war with themselves. And the businesses they are building start to grow in ways that finally feel sustainable, because they are being led by someone who is no longer running from their own strength.
You cannot lead others well from a version of yourself that you are constantly trying to shrink.
Ready to lead from your real strengths?
If you have been carrying a strength that has been mislabeled, a part of yourself you have been quietly apologizing for, this is an invitation to look at it differently. That is exactly the kind of conversation that happens inside The Nudge Community, and it is the work I do alongside the leaders I coach one-on-one.
